The Hunt

Tonight I saw my wife in predator mode. What was she hunting you ask? A fellow female shopper. She had picked up some shoes and had been debating on whether or not to buy them. With me being back in school we are on a tighter budget so being the responsible one I reminded her of this fact. Regretfully she returned them to the shelf while furiously texting her mother about her dilemma. Her mother texted her back and told her that she should buy them and she would send her the money as a gift to treat herself. Christin went back to grab the shoes but was met with a rude surprise. They were gone. I know, I know, it took me a while to catch my breath too. In under a minute another girl had had the AUDACITY to take Christin's shoes. What happened next? We literally went on a hunt for this girl. It was like a lioness stalking her prey. I wish that the late Crocodile Hunter had been there to narrate. We found our unsuspecting victim just as she was about to enter the check out line. Christin was just about to strike when to her dismay the girl didn't even have the shoes. Lucky for her, she lived to shop another day.

The Dumping Incident

Last night we went to a local store to pick up a few things. While we were there I had to make a visit to the little boys room. No worries this place's bathroom is always clean. I rounded the corner and was about to head into a stall when I came face to face with possibly the most disgusting thing that I had ever seen. Somebody had taken a giant DUMP in the corner. That's right people, somebody had been too lazy to use the toilet a half a foot to the left, instead they had decided it was easier to just deuce right on the ground. Plus, they had left a stash of poop covered toilet paper with it. Seriously? What disgusting human being would do this? At first I was angry (and slightly nauseous) but then I started to get worried. If I told someone would they think that it had been me? I had a quick decision to make...tell an employee and possibly be suspected as the guy who deuced in the corner from now on? Orrrrrrrrr make a run for it? Shamelessly, I snuck out of the bathroom, nonchalantly making sure that no employee was looking my way and cleverly made my getaway. I mean what the heck would you do?

neVer forgeT

Today is a day of rememberance. The Hokie Nation remembers the 32 who were murdered four years ago in a senseless act of violence. 4/16/07 is a day that we should not and will not ever forget. It's a day that many of us will remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when we first heard about this tragedy. It's also a day that should help us grow and appreciate every day that we have. We should live our lives to the fullest in honor of the 32 lives that were cut short that day. It's easy to forget and to complain about the little things that bug us on a daily basis. Take it upon yourself to be stronger than that, remember who we are, WE ARE VIRGINIA TECH, we are the Hokie Nation, let us show the world the true meaning of a HOKIE!

Fragile Handle with Care

I work with a great group of people. One of my favorite things about them is the fact that we give each other shit....constantly. It seems like only the strong personalities survive but we are also one big family. One of these strong personalities is my friend Jessica. Jessica is a combination of big sister, mom, with a touch of wife added in. On a normal day she has no problem bossing me around and gives me just about as much shit as I give her (if not more). However today's circumstances are a little different than normal. You see Jessica happens to be pregnant which equals a rise in a little thing we like to call hormones. Being the genius that I am I totally disregarded this fact when picking on her. I will blame this on being a guy, my wife will blame it on me being a dumbass husband. The real reason isn't important, what is important is that I solved two very simple equations today

picking on a pregnant woman + hormones = crying

and

pregnant woman telling you that you made her cry + hormones = more crying

I also learned that when a pregnant woman tells you that she cried you should not say "Are you serious? I should feel bad about this, but if you think about it, it's kind of funny." This might make you an asshole. Let me say that I had no intent of being an asshole. I apologized and we hugged it out (which made her cry again) and she isn't even mad at me....I think. I also learned a valuable lesson about being careful what to say and what NOT to say to a pregnant woman. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Jessica for teaching me this. If I had learned it with Christin while she was pregnant I am pretty sure I would have either: A) not survived or B) received a swift kick to the balls. So thank you Jessica, and hopefully this is the last time I make you cry....at least this trimester.

Adios Uncle Sam

Eight years ago today I enlisted in the Army Reserves. Two years ago today I had fulfilled my six year active reserve obligation and thought I was riding off into the sunset known as the IRR. Four months after that I received orders in the mail recalling me back to active duty under a presidental order (thanks a lot Obama). Needless to say it has been an interesting eight years and I never thought today would come. April 14, 2011 is the day that I get to say peace out bitchesssss.

I don't have to worry about finding a nice envelope on my doorstep when I come home from work ever again. Normally this would be a cause for binge drinking (I think my wife would actually approve because she's more excited than I am) but unfortunately I have class until 830 tonight. I know, I know its the price I pay for being 27 and still going to school. However, if anyone needs me at around 9ish (when I get home) I will be sippin' on some vodka mixed with I don't care what. Uncle Sam it's been real.....it's been fun....but it hasn't been real fun. I can say that because I'm a civilian now!

Thank you sir may I have another...

Today both of our cars were on E so being the nice husband that I am I not only filled up my car but also my wife's as well. Well $130 later both tanks are full. $130...are you friggin' kidding me I almost crapped my pants. I know I'm not the only one that is fed up with the gas prices. The worst part about it is that I know that the gas prices here are on the cheap side. I have relatives and friends in the Northeast and I know that they are getting crushed by gas prices on a daily basis. I can't even being to imagine how much gas is in California. Now I know there is the fact that the Middle East is pretty much imploding right now but that doesn't change the fact that paying almost $4/gallon sucks. I just got back from the Middle East...you want to know how much gas is a gallon in Iraq? Like 50 friggin' cents. I'm not kidding it was that cheap. I should have thought to pump some and bring it back. I could have made a killer profit. I'm not a big conspiracy theorist but I am sure this is some plot by Al Gore and the car companies to get us all to drive hybrids, electric cars, and smart cars. My dad just bought a Honda Fit...I'm pretty sure that I can fit it into the back of my Explorer.

(Dad's Honda/Micro Machine...he loves this thing)

Thanks but no thanks...I'm a self proclaimed redneck now (I wear camo, listen to country, and own a gun). I guess until I breakdown and convert my car to run on vegetable oil, every time that I go to the pump I'll just be saying "Thank you sir may I have another". (Shimon if you are reading this you know this is a saying that we learned well from the Army...miss you bud!)

My Man Card

Today I went to Kroger to grab some groceries. Yes, I do the grocery shopping...and most of the cooking. My wife is many things, beautiful, smart, fun but one thing she isn't is a cook. It's not her fault I knew this when I married her, it's just a simple fact. I might be violating one of my own guidelines where just because it sounds good in your head doesn't mean you should actually say it only time will tell. Anyways, me being the loving husband that I am I decided to pick up a bouquet of tulips for the wife. It seemed like a great way to get some brownie points which I can always use because I pretty much am usually in the negative. I am minding my own business while checking out and the weird little cashier girl starts to make small talk. Pasta was on sale and I bought a lot of it so she starts telling me of her love for pasta, and Fazoli's, and how she was heartbroken when Fazoli's closed. She's definitely a little different but who am I to judge. Then as she's ringing up my flowers she offers me a little nugget of advice. "Tell the person you are buying these for that she should cut a half an inch off the bottom....or him." Now let me preface this with that I have no problem with gay people. I have friends that are gay and they are great people, awesome dressers, and ridiculous dancers (the last part isn't a stereotype it's a fact). Did this girl think that I was on the feminine side? I had been told that I was a girl before but it was by a 3yr old and I'm pretty sure she was just being a doody head. Just because I was grocery shopping and wearing a v-neck doesn't make me feminine. Right then and there I decided that I needed to go home and do some rugged manly stuff to earn my man card. If anybody needs me I will be chopping down trees, chugging beer, and killing things with my bare hands. In fact Chuck Norris if you are reading this I'm calling you out anytime....anyplace....anywhere.

Beware of the dog

Last night Christin and I decided to get a little crazy and stay up past midnight. I know, I know we are animals. At around 1215am we were sitting in our kitchen with our friends Ben and Sam playing a board game and drinking (not me I was on call) when the front door opened and some guy yelled up. At first we all thought it was our next door neighbor and that he needed something. However, our beast of a dog started barking and the door abruptly closed.

(THE BEAST)

Confused I went downstairs to see what was going on. It wasn't our neighbor but some random dude who had tried to let himself into our house. Much to this would be burglars chagrin he had met his match, and our ferocious guard dog and had been scared off. Random guy heard me open the door and turned around to explain himself but between Jackson's barking and Christin yelling "ask him what the heck he was doing" I could hardly make out his explanation. What I did gather was that he was trying to get to his friends house and my detective skills told me he was probably drunk. No worries everyone makes mistakes. The depressing part was that he kept calling me sir...which just made me feel old as shit. I guess it was justified though because his drunken encounter was the biggest excitement of my Saturday night.

"You lookin' at me?"

Last night we went to eat with my wife's extended family in Roanoke at an Italian restaurant named Luigi's. I grew up in the Northeast and have an Italian mother so my standards for Italian food are pretty high. I have to say I was pretty impressed, I would even take my mother there. Anyways, I was sitting there minding my own business and enjoying my dinner when I happened to look to the right. Seated next to us was a couple who were probably in their mid 50's. That's normal enough but what wasn't normal was the guy was staring me down. Like straight up not blinking, zoned out, staring. It was a little creepy but I decided to ignore it and go back to my dinner/conversation. A few more minutes went by and I glanced over again and he was still staring. Now, I consider myself a lover not a fighter (plus this guy was much bigger than me and frankly probably would have eaten me) so I decided to be the "bigger" man and let it go....again. About 5mins later I looked over again and this guy was STILL staring. At this point I was a little pissed and was wondering what this creeper was all about. It was also at this moment that I realized that at the top of the wall to our left there was a window that showed the bar.....and TV's.....and the Master's. This guy wasn't staring at me, he was just an old guy trying to watch golf. Lucky for him too because I was about to throw it down like Bobby Brown. I pointed out this great realization to my wife who in turn informed me that I "was a dah" for not realizing it any sooner. Normally this would have been the end of it but, as the guy got up to leave I decided to tell him "You were totally creeping me out until I realized you were watching TV. I was like who is this guy staring at me". We both thought it was pretty funny, shared a laugh and he went on his way. However, I don't think my wife shared our amusement, you should have seen her face....PRICELESS.

Top 5

The following is a list of the top 5 things I've learned from being married:

1. The longer I’m married the more feminine I get. I now know what channel TLC and Lifetime are and can name shows from both….shoot me.


2. It’s not always a good idea to say what you’re thinking even if what you are thinking is hilarious…to you.


3. Sometimes it’s easier to agree not because you are wrong but just so you don’t have to be nagged anymore.


4. You are more likely to get lucky if you clean the house instead of putting on the moves.


5. The art of not really listening but being able to pick out the important pieces when your wife ask “If you’re listening to me what did I just say?”

Love you honey!

BEWARE Dishnetwork...Oprah....Sirius Radio

Has anyone noticed that good customer service is getting harder and harder to come by? I mean I am not racist but is it really too much to ask for a representative to speak English as a first language or for that matter English that I can even understand. Plus, when I call India or wherever my connection always seems to be crap. So now not only can I not understand you but I can't hear you either. Its a bad situation for everyone involved. I'm not alone, my wife is a HUGE proponent of customer service. She is also a HUGE letter writer. She combines both of these to offer her reviews and suggestions of how companies who have wronged her can improve their service for others. People that know her have probably heard the legendary tales of her letter writing and are nodding their heads right now. It works out for me because:

• A) She vents her thoughts onto paper and not to me.


• B)She gets some self satisfaction which equals a better mood.


• C) We usually get free shit.

I'm not kidding. In response to her scathing yet eloquently written (she's probably reading this) letters we've received multiple gift cards, refunds, frequent flyer points, etc. It's actually pretty damn impressive. Her newest enemies are......Dishnetwork and Sirius Satellite Radio. What have these companies done to her? Well Dishnetwork has the AUDACITY to not include the Oprah network (OWN) in our package. Can you imagine my surprise and the anger that I felt when I found this out. Not only is she giving Dishnetwork the business, she is also writing Oprah herself. Check your mailbox Oprah because you are about to get OWNed. Now Sirius is a different story, our service has been out since Saturday. She called and was on hold for about an hour and then the customer service representative informed her that the problem was not on their end and there was nothing that they could do. WRONG ANSWER. I'm sure the computer keys are clicking probably as you read this composing her next great masterpiece. I honestly just felt that it was my obligation as a human being to warn them of the wrath they are about to endure. Dishnetwork, Oprah, Sirius...many have challenged my wife, but take it from me none have won. YOU ARE ALL ON NOTICE!

Marry one...sleep with one....kill one

I am now 27 years old on the verge of 28. I have been married for almost 5 years. I am now boringgggggg. Gone are the nights of drinking, staying out late, and answering to no one. Instead I have a mortgage so I'm too cheap to buy drinks, I'm old so I can't recover from a binger like I used to and I'm married which means that I have a boss. Enter the marry one, sleep with one, kill one game. This is my entertainment at the present time. Let me pause here and point out that this is strictly hypothetical and I have no intention to injure or harm any of the following "lovely" ladies. I don't want the Secret Service knocking at my door. I pose to YOU the question Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Janet Reno, marry one, sleep with one, kill one GO! I know it's a hard decision but I dug down deep and without hesitation my reply was "Kill Pelosi, sleep with Hillary (Sorry Bill what goes around comes around) and marry Janet Reno." I googled Janet Reno....I think I'm second guessing my decision.

D.A.H.

D.A.H. is a little acronym that my wife and her friends decided to make up to talk about their wonderful, loving, devoted husbands while at work. They use it as code as in "Guess what my dah did last night" or "You'll never believe what my dah did". What does this wonderful little acronym stand for? Yes, you guessed it DUMB ASS husband. I was a little hurt when I found out but I can't deny that there is a little truth in the description. It's not that I try to be that way I think it's more a of a communication barrier. You see in my opinion my wife wants me to act one of two ways either like a chick or a guy from a romantic comedy movie. Unfortunately for her, I'm neither one of these things. Prime example, I drive a Ford Explorer which is a little rough around the edges and my wife's car is much nicer than mine. Saturday she took her's to get a state inspection with no worries it's almost brand new. SURPRISE!!! It gets rejected due to a tire being worn. Now me being the genius that I am take this opportunity to point out "Honey, did you ever think that my car would pass inspection and yours would have a big rejection sticker on it? WINNINGGGGGG" I would like to point out that quoting Charlie Sheen in situations like this is not a good idea and will just result in LOSINGGGGGG...and the silent treatment for a while.